It’s impossible for me to order a coffee without sounding like a twat. Each order is therefore automatically followed with an apology. “Can I get a [insert wankery here] please? Sorry, thanks.”

It’s just so overly complicated, but ultimately comes from a good place. Having learned more about the dairy industry, I’m trying to cut down on my intake as an attempt to be more ethical. I like cows. In many ways I identify with them. We’re both curious, prefer the company of the herd than to be alone, have strange voices and an awkward walk. So the first complication is I have to specify soy or almond rather than regular milk (not coconut, never coconut, it’s not fooling anyone). Fair enough you say, a lot of people do, lots of people are lactose intolerant and Brighton is full of vegans (and most of them have strange voices and awkward walks also), so what’s the beef? (excuse the pun cows)

The problem is that that’s just the start of it. Next I have to specify that I only want one shot of espresso, not two as comes standard. If I have two my similarity with cows only grows but in a less pleasant manner. You see I have IBS. This I can control relatively easily with my diet and avoiding too much stress, but too much caffeine will set it off. Then I’m producing enough methane to heat a small town. So to save myself and indeed the welfare of those around me, I stipulate a single shot.

The above reasons are ethical and medical and right now you’re hopefully thinking, that’s pretty reasonable. But now things get a bit silly. You see, I’m not sure I actually like the taste of coffee. Yup. “So why the f*ck do you order it you stupid bint?” An astute question. Let me elaborate.

I find coffee on its own too bitter. I like tea but get bored of ordering when out with friends, particularly when modern coffee houses have a huge selection of all kinds of crazy concoctions. So I thought one day, hey, you’re a living breathing human so therefore you like chocolate, why not try a mocha? That should lessen the bitterness and make a nice change. So I did. And if you only have one shot, as my stomach decrees, the bitter / chocolate ratio shifts even further. I could just order a hot chocolate, but passed a certain age it seems a bit childish. But a mocha well, that’s hot chocolate for grown-ups isn’t it?

And mocha is awesome, particularly on a cold winter’s day. But they’re also quite filling, verging on meal replacement. So sometimes you want something distinctly more ‘drinky’. So a latte also seemed like a reasonable choice, this time the milk / coffee ratio shifting. But on its own there’s still none of that sweetness I crave. Now of course you can get any syrup known to man. From the predictable vanilla or caramel to the slightly more challenging cinnamon or gingerbread to the downright ridiculous. “I’ll have the pumpkin spiced wombat please with a sprinkling of chilli newborn.”

Unfortunately the sugar content of most of these syrups is enough to give a t-rex palpitations (and with their tiny little arms they can’t fan their faces properly) so needless to say apart from immediately after being as hyper as a springer spaniel on acid, I’m also about a stone heavier than I used to be.  Now a lot of these places have sugar-free versions of the caramel or vanilla, but I’m already stipulating soy, single shot and syrup, if I have to add sugar free as well the humiliation factor starts to outweigh the desire for the drink so I just can’t bring myself to bring anything else to the caffeinated party.

In view of all the above I know I should just stop drinking coffee altogether, but it’s become an addiction now. A combination of caffeine and sugar is required on a daily basis or I become what I’ve termed  ‘unmanageable’. After all, I work in the vicinity of other people. And it’s just become what I run on now. Like getting petrol I must stop and ‘fill up’ regularly. At both establishments  I feel equally depressed by the price. On both occasions I also feel a bit guilty about the environment. And much like my aged car itself, I always feel a little violated at the procedure but ultimately satisfied when it’s all over.

Most petrol stations have coffee stops in them now. Maybe just a small mocha while I’m here…