(to Something Stupid by Frank & Nancy Sinatra)

All the queen’s lines are sung, all of Philip’s lines are spoken with one exception. He’s not seen and his voice has a slightly ghostly reverb.

Queen:         I know you weren’t in line

But it was nice you took the time

To rule the country with me

And if we went some place like France

I knew there was a chance

That you’d say something unclean

But oftentimes you’d dazzle me with witty repartee

And tell a joke or two

But then you’d go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like –

Philip:         You’re too fat to be an astronaut.

Queen:        The firm did not approve

                   When you first put on the moves

Way back in forty-three

Although it caused them all despair

I didn’t care

Right then it was all Greek to me

                   I think about each day

The way we gave our little waves

Inside one’s carriage with you

Although I spoke that way

I hope we both knew every day

In fact one’s ‘one’ meant ‘two’

When we dined with heads of state

The truth was that I couldn’t wait

To be alone with you

But then you’d go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like –

Phillip:       Do you think they still throw spears at each other?

Queen:       And I miss you.

Philip:        It looks as if it was put in by an Indian.

Queen:       I miss you.

Philip:        Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?

Queen:       I love you.               Philip:           (sung) And what do you do?

Queen:       I’ll miss you.

Philip:        See you on the other side Cabbage!

Queeny sighs and gives a brave smile. Fade out.