4 Tory candidates trot onto the stage doing various ‘horsey’ movements.

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And they’re just getting into the starting gate now… First with odds of 3 to 1 we have the bookie’s favourite, Dishi Rishi. Some strong backing for this specimen. Is he loaded into the gate yet?

Rishi steps forward.

Yes, he’s completely loaded… Next with odds of 9 to 2 is Truss in Me, who if I’m not mistaken appears to have left her blinkers on, that could prove costly. They also appear to be facing the wrong way, oh, no, they’ve figured it out, well done.

In gate number three with odds of 5 to 8, its Penny for your Votes. This filly tends to take a defensive stance, and fairs well on the water course.

And finally making his way into the gate is Jeremy’s Rhyming Slang with odds of 12 to 1. A thoroughbred, but nearly didn’t make it after a bit of an altercation with the veterinarian. But don’t forget they do all face a handicap as they are all very lame.

Now, they’re under starters orders…

They all line up.

And they’re off!

The ‘horses’ gallop.

And its Dishi Rishi currently leading the pack as they enter the first furlough. He’s picking up quite the gallop but hot on his heels is Penny for your Votes but, what’s this, on the far right on the outside coming at a surprising lick is Jeremy’s Rhyming Slang. This really could be anybody’s race – well of the three that have started that is, as Truss in Me still seems yet to leave the starting gate.

Truss is staring off into the distance smiling inanely.

They did mention something earlier about dressage and a gymkhana; they may have entered the wrong competition. And Dishi seems to have fallen back a little as all three enter the u-turn. But now as they gather pace, they’re coming up to the first hurdle and Jeremy’s Rhyming Slang has fallen. Oh dear what a shame, they will have to be destroyed.

SFX: gunshot

Now they’re coming up to the next hurdle and I believe it’s, yes, some working class people. And Dishi has – yes, he’s refused. Oh dear, that will set them back. Penny for your Votes and Jeremy’s Rhyming Slang both jump the plebians with ease. But Dishi Rishi is quickly finding a way round and making surprising ground.

If you’re wondering about Covid measures, all four tested positive before the race but that was for ketamine which was to be expected.

Truss finally starts. Albeit skipping.

At the back Truss in Me has, yes, they’ve finally left the gates. They’ve got a lot to make up but at least we know they won’t spare the whip.

All four a galloping fiercely.

And its incredibly close now as we face the final stretch. Penny for your Votes has the lead by a nose, but Dishi Rishi is very close behind, followed by Jeremy’s Rhyming Slang. Even Truss in Me has a chance now as the finish line looms into view. It’ll be first passed the poling. This is exciting stuff. Its looking like a photo finish, all giving it everything they’ve got for this last big push and – but wait, who’s that? We have a late contender, they’re making up ground, they’re – I don’t believe it, they’re overtaking all four, this is unbelievable.

All four look to their side in horror and start galloping faster.

They’re roaring ahead, building up a momentous lead. They’re coming up to the finish and, yes, they’ve done it. They’ve come out of nowhere and snatched victory from the four frontrunners.

All four finish, looking exhausted and downtrodden.

The Tory Cup has been won by a complete outsider… And now as they take to the podium to receive the trophy, we present the victor… Red Wrong.

AV: picture of Kier Starmer holding a trophy.

Now it’s over to your post-race commentary with Frankie the Tory.