Matt Hancock lies in an operating theatre. A surgeon comes up to him.

Doc:   Are you ready for your operating Mr Hancock?

Matt:   Er, yes I think so.

Doc:   Now due to cuts and constraints made by the pandemic, we can only remove one percent of your appendix.

Matt:   Pardon?

Doc:   Yes, disappointing I know but what with Covid, alas our hands are tied. Which incidentally is how we’ll be doing the procedure today.

He raises his hands and we see they are tied together.

Matt:   What?

Doc:   And we’ll only be able to give you one percent of your transfusion.

He holds up a blood bag which only has a drizzle of blood at the bottom.

Matt:   But won’t I need more than that to replace what I lose?

Doc:   A pint?!

Matt:   What?

Doc:   Sorry, just a little Hancock joke there.

Matt:   Look, I’m not sure about this.

Doc:   If you don’t have the operation, your appendix will burst and I wouldn‘t want that on my conscious, after all, we are all in this together.

Matt:   But if you’re only removing one percent of it, won’t it still burst anyway?

Doc:   Well perhaps you should have thought of that before you chose to have one.

Matt:   Sorry?

Doc:   Apology accepted. Now we’re going to administer the anaesthetic now.

Matt:   Ok.

Doc:   But just one percent.

Matt:   What?!

Doc:   It’s this wretched pandemic.

Matt:   But the chap in the bed next to me, he got it all.

Doc:   Yes, but he didn’t spaff ten billion up a wall on a track and trace that didn’t work. Speaking of, I thought I’d use it to locate your appendix. Let’s hope I don’t cut into the wrong thing, eh?

He attempts to hold up his phone in his tied hands

Doc:   (Calling to someone off-screen) Scalpel!

Hancock whimpers and draws his bedsheet up.