Hard Talk / Newsnight type sting. A presenter sits at a desk with a screen by his side with the ‘give blood’ logo on it.

Presenter:     Hello and welcome. Tonight, I’m joined by Professor Wright, who is here on behalf of the NHS blood donation service to discuss the current pressures on reserves during the pandemic. Hello Professor.

Prof:             Good evening.

Presenter:     I understand there has been a lot of misinformation about whether people can donate in the current circumstances, is that right?

Prof:             Yes, and we’d like to take this opportunity to confirm to people that blood banks are still open and in fact we need donations now more than ever. Essential surgical procedures are still going on throughout these uncertain times and we’d like to reassure the general public that every precaution has been taken and it is in fact quite safe to donate.

Presenter:     Thank you Professor. And now in the interest of balance and to avoid any accusation of virtual signalling, we are also joined by Vladimir.

Vlad:             Hello.

Vladimir is clearly a vampire. He has fangs and wears a cape (we do also have a vampire wig in storage) and speaks with a stereotypical ‘Transylvanian’ accent.

Presenter:     Vladimir you disagree with the professor’s assertions.

Vlad:             Yes. This is not the route people should be taking, it is very wasteful. There is a global crisis going on. In fact, I would go so far as to encourage you to stockpile your blood.

Presenter:     Stockpile your own blood?

Vlad:             Yes. And keep it cool by wandering around by yourself late at night – for social distancing reasons obviously. Or if you cannot go out, maybe drain off a little into easy to open bottles you store outside in an unguarded area. You know, for use at a later date.

Presenter:     Interesting. And what do you say to that Professor?

Prof:             I’m sorry but him being here is clearly another example of a ridiculous over-correction in the name of so-called balance.

Vlad:             I knew it. Typical extreme left response.

Prof:             Excuse me?

Vlad:             It is prejudice.

Prof:             What?

Vlad:             And ageist. I came here as a humble immigrant in 1782 –

Presenter:     I think we’re straying away from the issue here –

Vlad:             Entities like me have a difficult enough time navigating this modern world without people like you making it harder. Believe you me, the Virgin Megastore? – It is not what you think it is.

Prof:             This is ridiculous. The BBC has to be held to account in showing fairness, but where is that stipulation for the tabloid press? I mean papers like The Sun –

Vladimir flinches and hisses.

Presenter:     Ok, well I think that’s all we have time for right now. But we will be discussing this situation more later on in the show when we’ll be joined by a member of the Red Cross.

The Red Cross symbol appears on the screen next to him.

Vlad:             The what? (looks at screen) Argh!

Vladimir goes up in a puff of smoke.

Presenter:     Now over to Jo with the weather, and in the interest of balance, Seth and his divining stick.